Author: Vopogon
Description: Twilight and the gang are visiting Appleoosa, when Twilight takes an interest in a certain somepony...Apple of My Eye
Apple of My Eye Part 2
Additional Tags: first time, new.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
22 comments:
Keep trying, but It didn't keep my attention past the first 2 paragraphs.
Words cannot describe how much I've been wanting to read a Braeburn fic :D can't wait to dig into it :)
Needs a third part, I'd like to see AJ's reaction, etc.
Felt a little rushed, but hey, I've been waiting for braeburn fics for awhile
Short but good enough to keep me entertained.
The only thing I will say, however, is to lengthen the paragraphs to include more detail, because right now, it is a very dialogue heavy, although Part 2 sort of addresses this a litle bit.
OMG
VOPOGON I LOVE YOU
-bobismymom
Mediocre fanfic. Potential for being better though. seems people only like it because it has Braeburn...
And then Applejack looks over and goes
"WTF?!?!?!?!? When did that happen?"
Hmm...has potential, but can be improved. The relationship starts too fast, especially since the two characters didn't really interact with each other in the show. A chapter or two between them first meeting up again and the dance would have been a good idea, to allow some relationship development time.
Other than all that though, I enjoyed it. Unique pairing, and the romance was certainly sweet and, er, romantic. Just needed more build up.
I'm all for new ships, but this fic was rather mediocre...
Take this for example - "They stepped off the train"
Why not make this - "The mares stepped off the train, taking in the familiar site of Appleoosa before them. INSERT DESCRIPTIVE STUFF HERE"
Just spices the fic up and turns it from mediocre to excellent.
Keep trying.
Second part was MUCH better.
Author here.
I knew the first part wasn't that great, but it's better than some of the fics around here.
Also, I've never written anything except for a few hundered forum posts. In actuallity, this story was created from one. Mostly the first part. Which would explain the shittyness. Maybe I'll re write this one day, but I doubt it.
So yeah. Glad some of you enjoyed it! And thanks for the corrections, they shall help me in the future.
@Vopogon
It's a good start to a cute idea. Focus more on fleshing out the scenes rather than just describing them in flat 'he went there, she saw that' phrases. Since the focus of the story is on Twilight and Braeburn, we don't really need to know what everypony else is doing otherwise and their actions can be regulated to the background most of the time. Narrowing your focus of events down will help the story flow better.
As for the romance itself, it goes way too fast to be honest. Twilight and Braeburn barely interacted at all in his debut episode. Just having them go from meeting up to 'hey, she's cute', 'hey, I've fallen in love with him' despite barely saying two words to each other is far too rushed. Give it time, have the two interact with each other a bit more, and build some chemistry between them. Maybe toss in a misadventure or two that lets them each see how nifty the other pony can be.
Thanks!
It was my first time (haha, virginity) writing ANYTHING other than a sarcastic post on say, Bungie.net's Brony community (shameless plug)
and Writing takes practice. And I shall continue to do so.
Hopefully I'll make something worth while to read in the near future.
And for you Braeburn lovers waiting for a good story about him, maybe this will start an avalanche of more for ya!
Agreed with the Herd, it was medicore - not bad, not good, just so so. I read all of it, it keep me interested to the last bit, but it was rushed greatly with no development or romance at all. Also writing style was quite simplistic, like a story from a childbook and therefore lackig any, well, depth. It was a simple story about a simple crush.
On the other hands it is always good to read a Ship that ends well for Twi ;) I like her, I cant lie!
I love you Vopogon
-Phantom5niper
“You.. you came!” LOL xd sorry could nor resist it
Oh wow, haha
Nicely done. A good read overall. Could use some more description, though.
the song DOES match it plus its pretty darn sweet PLZ CARRY IT ON D=
(D4SHTH3R4INB0W)
Will there be a part 3
If so awesome!!!
Part Three Where
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