Description: Twilight learns how to ride a bike...Need a real description but cottonmouth never sends those!
Not bad, but I'm still mad at the writer's dissing of Derpy Hooves at the beginning. He could have just written her in his own way instead of trying to stab at how other people write her. Very rude.
I do say the author doth protest too much.Other than that, it was a nice story.
He was very serious about Derpy being a forced, meme, shall we say? Anyway, the rest of the story was nice, but I feel bad for the bike. Also, I lol'd when Twilight dissed humans.
Derpy is fucking annoying so I'm fine with this.
Idiotic commentary took me out of the story. Either write her your own way, or just leave her out.One star.
@AnonymousThanks for the feedback!
I was going to say that you must make a dashXtwilight clopfic but I'm ok with the ending
I like the LESBIAN SEX at the end.
I'd say that the derpy joke annoyed me. It could have been more subtle- have some bad gibberish speak, then have Twilight say something like "Remember when we thought that was funny?" A subtle Take That is always better than a fourth wall breaking one. As for the story, it's sort of... eh. Not a lot happened, but it was okay. The most memorable part was the Derpy-thing, and that's a one off joke at the start of the story. Still, it was well written. I had more issues with the content than the form.
@BobcatHuh? Twilight flying off a cliff to her death wasn't enough for you? I mean it IS just a quick short story.Either way I like your more subtle approach. I didn't really think it through. Next time I want to make a joke like that I'll try and put a bit more thought into it.Thanks for the critique.
And Cottonmouth takes a shot at almost everyone who's ever written a Derpy Fanfic, including myself. We must unleash the ponies of war!No I kid, taking pot shots at the readers is always fun! Just prepare to get lots of not so amused comments and a lower star rating.The story was nice and simple, short and sweet. I myself don't ascribe to the "Earth is Equestria" theory, but it can be interesting to read.As for the Lesbian Sex part, yeah, I've noticed that as well. <.<
Well, to clarify what I meant, it's more that I sorta saw Rainbow Dash catching her coming. There wasn't really a conflict to the story, aside from that falling over the edge. Also, I forgot to mention. I liked your use of "negative space" during the falling off the cliff scene.
@Victorian R. HellslyThanks for the feedback. Really I don't mind Derpy written that way if its in fanfiction.It's when she is roleplayed like that in the /co/ threads that I become enraged. Especially all of that Cloydes shit. Definitely one of the fandoms darkest hours.As for me, I don't believe Equestria was Earth either. I just needed a way to get a bike into Twilight's hands, and the idea just popped into my head.Also, I'm laughing at just how plain RIGHT I am right now.2 more PinkieDash's came up from the friendoff. It's really sad. Most fic writers just write the same damn thing over and over. I'd point out who they were, but I'm already getting shit on everywhere, so w/e.
Read just the derpy part due to the comments. He so mad.
Well, that could have been enjoyable, if not for the "STOP LIKING WHAT I DON'T LIKE" ranting. Obviously, personal preferences are wrong- unless they are identical to the author's.
@AnonymousThere comes a time when it turns from simply "Stop liking what I don't like" to "This is simply NOT funny, please stop."Derpy typing in all caps and saying LOLRANDOM shit was one of them. Thank you and good day sirs.
That stick in your ass must chafe pretty bad, Cotton.
The story was on the whole rather fun and I liked the sweet bit where despite insulting her, Dash still watched out for her friend. It really showed that you have an understanding of the characters, although I doubt Spike would ever actually threaten to blackmail Twilight.One problem though and it's a doozy, the beginning. No made you write Derpy as LOLRANDUMB, in fact no one made you include her at all if you didn't want to. The whole thing was such a bitter and angry rant at your readers that it's likely to taint the rest of the reading experience. Just cut Derpy and have the package just be at the door or, for more amusement, have Spike burp it up.
@PacceOh and another thing, it would have made for a nice closing to have Celestia react to Twilight's destruction of a historical artifact.
@AnonymousPlease leave feedback on the fanfiction, not the stick wedged in my ass. Thank you very much for reading.@PacceI am now angry with myself that I didn't have Spike burp it up.Also, a reaction from Celestia completely flew over my head. In reality, I see her as a loving godess (not the tyrant a lot of people see) so maybe it wouldn't have been to eventful. I guess I could have made an exception for this fic though. Thank you for reading.
Cotton, you gotta like, chill man. I love this fandom because it's a show about fricken ponies. Yeah, people ship like nuts(I do too!) and some plots or ideas get overused, but, it's all in good fun. Don't worry about what other people are doing, just have fun! : D
I was amused by the take-thats.I also am irked by the way Derpy is presented in a lot of fanfictions (The only fic where I really like the way she was used is Bubbles), but I just don't use her in my fics. There's no reason for knocking it because others like it; don't we get enough of that from outside the fandom?And then, of course, there was the take that at the shippers. I suppose I'm guilty of that whole thing (Check my author tag, I don't have anything up that isn't shipping). Oh well, to each his own, and there's no point in taking a deconstruction personally.
Fun story, well written. You spun an interesting little story out of an odd and constrained subject. I'm in agreement with both of your gripes, author, but the inlined Derpy dig took me out of the story. 4*I was just ignoring the shipfics, but I'm at least skimming and starring everything now. I've found a couple tagged that way that I enjoyed, but the smoldering-glance-bosom-heavers aren't faring well.
@Ebon ManeThere are some writers on this site that write "and then they kissed" fanfiction and they get mountains of praise for it.Why attempt for quality when shit like that gets paraded through the streets?Thank both of you 2 above me, Ebon and anon for reading my story. It means a lot to me.
Get an editor.Throw away your thesaurus.Give the participial phrases a break--what did they ever do to you?
It was really good but Twilight forgot that she could have used her magic to make the bike float while she was riding on it. She could have easily saved both her and the bike.