Description: Applejack is granted wings by Celestia and Dash gets jealous.
Yangire ponies are the best. Although, I'm sure my therapist has something to say about it...I liked the parts where Dash just started acting like a psychotic brat.
Psycho-Dash is best Dash.
Oh horseapples, I wanted to do something like this! Oh well, it's a good story even if the ending is kinda rushed. I liked it.
All of this was way too short and rushed to convey any real emotion, but I have to give props for the concept. The author really made the most out of this little.
Confound that Celestia! Turning ponies against each other with mind tricks!
I didn't like this very much. Applejack's decision to get wings was never really explained. Why did she want them in the first place? The grammar and spelling errors also were frequent enough to be a distraction.
There will probably be a sequal because twilight didn't use her wish
I agree what the guys above are saying. You've made a real plausible situation but the way you handled the ending was.... Kindda weak. 4 smacks and shes dead?Thought it could be better but the story was still pretty good though
I just don't get how fans of this show churn out so many violent "grimdark" stories. I mean, to each their own, but, I dunno, maybe there are shows more suited to your tastes? For the record, not saying anyone should leave. Not saying my take on the show is somehow better. I think everyone should be fans in their own way. Certainly not saying these stories don't belong here or shouldn't exist. I'm just saying I don't get how cute ponies inspire violent, dark fanfics. It fills my mind with apples.
Just more senseless and unnecessary grimdark, for nothing more than the sake of being grimdark, stories.... just what we didn't needed...
It could've been much more poignant if Applejack had asked for wings in the first place 'cuz she was in love with Rainbow or something, and wanted to be closer to her.
Its a bit rushed, especially towards the end- explore the concept behind the story a bit more and I'm certain you'll have a well-written piece!
Regardless of the existence of a second part, that was really bad. Augh, I hate saying something is really bad. I'm a pussy.First off, the writing itself was all over the place. It was very third-person, yet when most writers do third person they follow a certain character at a time. You were EVERYWHERE. It was distracting and confusing. It doesn't help that there are enough spelling and grammar errors to be a bother, but it's not as bad as I thought from the comments before mine.Second, the idea itself is pretty cool. Like Rarity got carried away in Sonic Rainboom, I could see any of the non-pegasi getting very carried away if they got wings, ESPECIALLY for a full year; but you should realize that... well, sentient characters have emotions. Emotions are often part of a thought. And that thought is part of an action or idea or DESIRE. No one had any emotions or thoughts behind their actions, except rainbow dash getting mad. There's no explanation behind AJ wanting wings, or why RD would get so mad, as to kill some pony, when she basically JUST BECAME A SUB FOR THE WONDERBOLTS. It's unbelievable and therefore makes the reader question your story. Neither is the fact that Applejack, no matter how much of an athlete she is, would be able to beat Rainbow Dash in a race. I think it's much, MUCH more likely that She'd just challenge Applejack to a race, and make it biased for her, without applejack realizing it. That seems like the rainbow thing to do, at least I think.Technically, it was off. Dialog was fuzzy and there was hardly a description of anything. Yes, it's a fanfiction written for the people who watch the show. So we know what most settings look like. But describing specific scenes (like perhaps the race track) can help a reader visualize the story a LOT more. This felt like a lot of dialog, or something that should have been written like a script.2 stars. I don't think I've rated much that badly. You get 2 and not 1 because the idea itself is pretty cool, and I'm surprised I haven't heard others using it (they probably have though).
Incredible idea, weak execution. Pun intended.I think this would have been a better story if it hadn't tried to go for that grimdark tag, and just been a study in Rainbow Dash's jealousy. Or if it had been longer and we'd seen more development toward Dash's budding insanity. Or any number of other possible expansions on the theme.I don't think I'll soften my criticism at all, since what use does a grimdark author have for mercy?
Violence for the sake of violence?C'mon, and Dashs attitude change and subsequent reason for...tha were just so rushed and off. I mean, the starting concept was pretty cool, Applejack with wings for a year is pretty heck yeah cool and then she gets murdered.
Grimdark for the sake of being grimdark.Interesting idea, but there was very little actual substance in this.1/5
Applejack is one word, my fine sir.I just... well, thank you for the grimdark and the idea. Maybe one day someone (maybe you) will not rush this deliberately and make it soar where here it flopped.1/5 for your time, good sir.
A good deal of grammarical and spelling errors, seems pretty rushed although it is a unique concept, points for that. Dash though.... while her actions are in the realm of warranted... I don't think that she'd be THAT easily pushed to murder.Looking at the Sonic Rainboom episode for reference, when faced with the possibility of not winning a LARGE competition out of nervousness, she doesn't go nuts or get violent, she gets nervous. Lets say then that this is PRIOR to that episode, then Dash shouldn't value a small competition so greatly when there are greater ones.2/5 Very promising first work (from what i've read) do keep at it, practice makes perfect, but even someponies don't like perfection Xp
The idea is good... I personally like grimdark stories, but this isn't quite up to par. It seemed too rushed. It should be fleshed out enough to get the emotions to rise over time noticed or unnoticed to the character. Not just having them burst out for a paragraph then disappear.One race could enrage Dash, but it seems to me that it would take either a day or two or more meetings with AJ to bring about an inner demon.
@Ebon ManeWeak EXECUTION. That makes me laugh.Anyway, this story leaves much to be desired. I have no problem with brutal violence, you just have to make it compelling. I'm afraid you failed on this account.First off, your spelling, grammar and punctuation need improvement. It's not unintelligible as it is, but it makes your story feel sloppy and that's never a good thing.Secondly, your characterization of Applejack is lacking. She simply asks for wings out of the blue, and then she merely has them. I believe some attempt is given to give her a motivation, but it comes off as too rushed, and we never truly feel like these wings are that big of a deal for her. Granted, we know they are, because that's the point, but you failed to make that come to life for the readers. There's no emotional connection for the readers to clasp on to, and it makes the whole thing feel hollow.Then there's the matter of pace. The story is too rushed, it feels less like a story and more like a handful of set pieces that wizz by. If you wanted to make this without having to write too much, you needed to have less scenes and instead focus on developing the ones that were absolutely necessary. As for the coup-de-grace, it's too disjointed from the rest of the fic. Rainbow Dash would be the type to become jealous, and I can get behind the idea, but the notion of her killing Applejack is brought up way too late into the story for the readers to get behind. It feels like the ending of one fic got stapled onto another. You needed to make the jump from mere jealousy to flat out murder convincing, and I'm afraid you didn't quite manage it. Overall, it's not a good fic, but hey, the only way you'll improve is if you keep writing. Don't be discouraged by a poorly received fic, that's always bound to happen. Continue writing, continue improving, and just remember to keeping having fun.
just so you all know, this was my first real fic. there is more, and i plan on explaining a lot of what went down... also, i appreciate the constructive criticism, it's the only way imma get better
@Big MacintoshDon't be discouraged. I know that this volume of negative comments can be daunting for someone starting out. Just because people say this wasn't written well doesn't mean you won't be able to write great things in the future. Keep in mind that grimdark fics are held to a higher standard and are more likely to be absolutely hated if done incorrectly than normal or ship fics.Keep in mind fimchan and ponychan as places to test screen fics on slightly smaller audiences before exposing them to ED.In any case, keep writing and keep reading (The second is more important than the first for beginners, especially if you haven't always been a voracious reader) and you'll get better. Good luck to you, and I look forward to reading better fics from you in the future.
if I were to give a one-word answer, it would be "nope.jpg"It didn't do it for me, it wasn't believable - too sudden, too extreme, and the ending literally written in a sentence or two. structurally sound, but it didn't draw me in. Keep writing, don't let this put you off, but keep in mind that the ending is as important as the beginning and middle. You want to avoid purple prose, but sudden stops are just as painful for the reader.
I think the biggest problem I had with the story was how fast Applejack went from beginner flyer one day to beating Rainbow Dash the next. She has her wings for a whole year, so there's plenty of time for her skills to build at a bit slower pace.Also, considering Dash is already up there in the same league as the Wonderbolts, it kind of implies that Applejack is just as good as if not better than pegasus that would also have natural talent and still been training all their lives to get better.Of course, due to her wings not being 'natural', that could leave the door open for conflict by Dash claiming that Applejack had an unfair magical advantage or such.I guess it's the sort of idea that may sound good in your head, but helps to have some input from a friend or such to work out what others might see as problem areas.That said, it's not a silly idea for a story - just the execution needs some work.
2/5grammar was atrocious and they were COMPLETELY out of character!
D8 DAT ENDNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you can't end a story like that .... THATS A DICKMOVEX-X
Hmm......what if somepony made a fanfic where Rainbow dash becomes a better work horse than applejack, Applejack gets jealous, And kills RD. same basic concept, but in every way just as unlikely. anyway, its not a bad concept, it just needs to be fleshed out more, call this a "rough draft" or even a rough outline, and expand a little. Like many others said, it would take more than losing one race to kill one of her closest friends, even if it WAS an accident.
Hmm, the large plot feels a bit FiM-y. Yes, I can buy that AJ for some reason turns from beginner to pro flyer in little time. reminds me of how rarity handled her wings like a pro in Sonic Rainboom. I also accept Rainbow Dash to lash out, because that seems like a weakness of hers. I also like how you've handled the accent and the characters weren't out of character that much.Only thing, the murder at the end was a bit too sudden, too quick to end. I don't picture Rainbow going berserk and physically punching AJ into mush. I'd rather expect Rainbow to kill AJ in flight, either challenging her to a daring stunt and then sabotaging things with cruel consequences, or simply in a fit of rage, mid-flight pulling a dirty trick that causes AJ to lose balance and breaking the immunity the ponies have in the show, having fatal consequences. But punching AJ to death is far too crude for Rainbow.
Kind of a blunt ending.
Seems contrived to me. Maybe I'm putting too much logic into it, but I would expect AJ to be somewhere around average speed as a flier. Sure she would probably have strong wings to go with her general strength, but she'd be weighed down by her denser earth pony bones. There's no way Celestia would adjust that, since in that case AJ would clearly be practically guaranteed to break a few bones before she got used to the change.Plus it isn't like Dash to react with that sort of anger after losing one race. She might well challenge AJ to a rematch and cheat a little to win (although probably not until she lost a time or two more), but throwing a hissy fit and beating AJ up isn't like her.
I HATE THIS STORY.Well, I suppose Twilight could use her wish to fix everything somehow, because merely bringing back Applejack would never be enough to fix the eternal damages within. If I were Twilight, I'd wish that Applejack had never won her wish. That would fix everything.