[Normal] This idea has been floating around for a while now. It was inevitable that we would get a story about it.
Author: Midnight Shadow
Description: A strange storm leaves destruction in it's wake, stirring up an ancient evil best left in the dark. The six ponies bearing the elements of harmony may just have met their match as evil, twisted versions of them appear in town causing havoc and mischief. There are rumours of Nightmare Moon's return, but Luna is still Luna - what can it mean? Who is behind this? Is this the end of Equestria? Who is the empress who rules these new nega-ponies with an iron hoof? Stay tuned and find out.Elements of Discord (All Links) (New Chapter 10!)
Additional Tags: adventure, chaos, battle, bravery, magic
All side stories after the break!
[Grimdark][Adventure] Side story from another author
Author: Relative Equinox
Description: Pio Neero is a member of the Eclipsa family of earth-ponies. They have no magic of their own so make do with what they can scrounge up in their ceaseless devotion to Nightmare Moon...and now to Luna. With dark magic ahoof in Ponyville, one of the members sets out to discover the source.Elements of Discord - Pio Neero, Part 1
Additional Tags: Twilight Doom (OC), Pio (OC), darkness, magic, fighting, war, betrayal
131 comments:
This story is awesome so far! Nice use of the whole 4-stars mystery as well.
I'm covering some slightly similar ground in the final two parts of my "The Party Never Ended" story, but thankfully write-friends don't seem to think EXACTLY alike....
Eagerly awaiting the next parts.
This is going to be cool. Looking forward to the next parts
Interesting. I await the next part.
@ButterscotchSundae
You should totally go finish that imo!
Poor pinkie...
what were the opposite elements again?
@ButterscotchSundae
Why can't you put the whole story of yours on docs?
I can't read the parts of the story I don't have access to
@Anonymous
It's also on his DA. Check that.
Shaping up to be a good one! Although evil Twilight always makes me really sad.
Just one extremely minor nitpick: in the first part, Rarity says Dash sprained a tibia...how exactly would one go about spraining a leg bone? Sprains only occur in joints. Was this intentional, to show Rarity's ignorance?
@Anonymous
It's me trying to sound more cleverer than I really am. I'm not a clever pony :(
what should it say - I want her to have a sprained ankle but for it to sound more professional.
Wouldn't the correct terminology be "iron hoof" instead of "iron fist"?
@Anonymous
ack! I didn't catch that...
Midnight, you are awesome. Anything else I could say right now would be blathering, but I needed to say that you are awesome.
When the story is all said and done, I will write ya a thorough review~
Bah! You beat me to it. Doing a great job so far, though!
I had a similar concept to your story involving Nightmare Moons armor and it possessing some form of evil separate from Luna. But I don't have the time to write it. Though this looks like it will be a good read. Are we going to see Spike soon? He is/was Twi's closest friend other than the ponies.
@Midnight
Well, probably the most common form of sprained ankle involves a partially torn anterior talofibular ligament.
But honestly, I think Rarity would probably just call it a sprained ankle, so as not to confuse the hell outta Dash and have to explain what an anterior talofibular ligament is!
@Anonymous
And actually, now that I think about it, that whole ankle terminology would only be correct if Dash was a human. I'm not overly familiar with pony ligaments!
However, my best guess after 10 minutes of studying equine anatomy on wikipedia would be that an injury of the long plantar ligament would be most analogous to a sprained ankle.
Or you could just call Dash's injury a sprained ankle!
@Anonymous
And actually, now that I think about it, the above terminology would only be correct if Dash was a human! I'm completely unfamiliar with pony ligaments, but 10 minutes of studying equine anatomy on wikipedia seems to indicate that an injury to the long plantar ligament would probably be most analogous to a sprained ankle in a human.
So, use that. Or you could just call it a Sprained Ankle!
@Anonymous
Actually, now that I think about it, the above terminology would only be correct if Dash was human. Horses don't even technically have ankles! Their "ankle" actually consists of several different joints.
I'm not really very familiar with equine anatomy, but some wikipedia browsing seems to indicate that an injury to the plantar ligament in horses would probably be most analogous to a sprained ankle in humans.
Of course, My Little Ponies don't necessarily need to share the same anatomy as real horses! Maybe they DO have ankles!
In fact, I'm now kinda hoping for an intact pony skeleton to pop up somewhere in the show, so I can overanalyze it.
Evil Twilight? Yes plz.
@Anonymous
In the interests of SCIENCE! I will attempt to investigate the anatomy of winged equines...
I love evil!twilight.
(also, sorry for writing too little and posting too much - I'm considering longer chapters that appear less often, atleast where they can bump other posts off the page)
Aww, poor Trixie.
Really liking where this is going, though. I think this might be more appropriately labeled Grimdark after what happened to Trixie and Fluttershy's chickens.
I agree with labeling this as Grimdark.
This is about as grimdark as I'm intending it gets, I wouldn't want to put anyone off - is pg13 really grimdark? It's a pity we don't really have a "slightly icky" tag :P
"I’m not your sister, I don’t know who you are, I don’t WANT to know who you are and I want you to put the bunny back in the box and get out.”
"put the bunny back in the box"
Con Air Ponies. Yes. You win so much for this.
This is really interesting so far, and well written. But I wouldn't really put it as normal? Evil versions of the ponies coming out of a nega-verse to cause havoc and destruction? Probably a bit leaning closer to grimdark to me.
@Midnight
Probably want to have someone double check your writing for you. I noticed one or two typos then and there.
Take your time and slow down if you need to.
Twilight Doom sounds awesome
Bat wings, terrible armor, this is going to be cool
I think the nega-ponies (and maybe other things) could use a little more description. Like, was Slicen'Die's hair style the same as Fluttershy's or not? I hardly think a sociopath would take the time to straighten her hair.
Speaking of Fluttershy: talk about a snowball's chance in hell with where she's going. :(
Holy cow, great idea just popped into my head:
Negative Derpy Hooves.
I'll just let that sink in for a second.
@Darkhawk1
SSHHH!! no using the hermindlink for spoilers to sections I haven't written yet! It messes up causality and annoys the author! ;)
@Anonymous
I think you're right, and that's also another reason why the next chapter may need to wait a bit longer than the latest two did.
Writing canon ponies that sound like canon ponies is difficult enough, imagining fitting, believable evil opposites is harder.
Wow this fanfic did what any other fanfic failed to do.
You made me hate TS almost as much as I hate Gilda. Now if only I had an hat.
Still a good story so far can't wait for the next chapter
I just hope Trixie ends up alright...
@Midnight
Herp Derp, and I forgot to mention something:
The pacing seems a little fast, but that just might be because you posted often in a short time.
Still, you may just want to give a look at the second part of Cereal Velocity's pony writing guide for help with that.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-euBlq41l6OCOVV2KnL-jT4e7xSWuZVwlY_xcHan6gc/edit?hl=en&authkey=CPqj8scG#
And now we meet the rest of the group...
The plot thickens!
You accidently put 3 instead of 4
you can blame blogpony for that! It's the new link though!
Not bad. Not bad at all. Definitely an improvement over the first draft that was posted on the other boards.
My only complaint is that I'm kinda wondering what the point was of Slicen'Die getting Fluttershy if there's going to be an all out invasion anyway. One can imagine, however.
The other thing is that I feel Zecora figured out what happened to Trixie too easily. Spike could have said a few words though.
But kudos to you and Zecora's rhyming speech. Pulling that off can be quite a feat! (Lol)
@TheHarbingerN
ah-ah! If I told you why Fluttershy was stolen first, it would spoil things!
Part 5 plz
@williamcll
part 5 is coming!
@Midnight
Well then PART 6 PLZ
@PeachyPunch
I do apologize for such a wait - ch.6 already has some meat on it (and the plan itself goes much further), so hooves crossed it'll be quicker this time :)
And tell me - the tweest in ch.4? the *gasp* in ch.5? You like? :)
Mirror-Universe and Nega-Twilight. Oh dear, this is going to be Apocalypse Pony. It's probable that the generals of Celeste want to remove their counterparts, either to replace them, or simply so they can't oppose them.
Still, there are elements that havn't come into play yet, the mirror-Luna and the Elements of Discord... oh wait... no, for parity ther'd have to be six, and there were only four spitis mentioned in Nightmare Moon's harness. Darn, so much for that idea.
Excellent. Looking forward to more, even if I felt Twilight Sparkle went under too easily.
I love when a story I somehow overlooked gets bumped up, and it turns out to be amazing. That's been happening a lot to me lately.
After reading through all of it in one sitting, I realized all I wanted was more. Oh, and more Rainbow Dash. But I always want more Dash, so... :P Actually, maybe I should be asking for more Rainbow Crash as well? Hmm.
But in all seriousness, it's a fun read so far. Good stuff all around! Can't wait for the next chapter.
@Malicin
OH SHIT YOU'RE RIGHT.
gotta love me some rbd!
the mane cast will be back in full force soon :)
It's gonna be the guy the ate Shadows from the original series. Zecora was helping him the whole time.
Or at least it would be awesome if it was.
OR TIRAK.
I'm loving this to death. I need more! More I tell you! MORE!
um, if you don't mind I mean... ;)
Bright Eyes getting a role is awesome! Also, I LOVE evil vs. evil, so I can't wait for next chapter to see how the invading army fares against Nightmare Doom's forces! :D
This is my new favorite ponyfic. Well written as always Midnight. I wish I had something constructive to add, but really all I can say is I can't wait for the next update.
I freaking love war stories! This one is very good and I really look forward to the next chapter!
Oh, by the way, why is it tagged [Normal]? Isn't this supposed to be [Grimdark]?
@Anonymous
if cupcakes, severing and rocket to insanity are grimdark, then no, this isn't grimdark. Since we're missing a "slightly icky" tag, it's [normal].
You know, Derpy lifting Mac is almost impossible, but lifting him and another pony? No thanks.
Out of curiosity, from where the name 'Bright Eyes' came from? It's your invention or some reference?
Also, the main cast feels a lot less special if some random ponies can replace them as Element's holders. That part needs more work, though it's acceptable. But, the jewels were shaped like marks of the holders, Derpy's isn't a muffin :P
Else, the way two invader forces meet feel a bit cheap. Would be better if Luna goaded them into appearing there, somehow, IMHO.
@Anonymous
But a muffin is the universal sign of friendship! what could be kinder than a muffin? :3
Besides, it's Derpy! She's one extraordinary mail-mare. The name Bright Eyes is one of the fan-names for Derpy Hooves, you can read about them all at derpyhooves.com.
@Anonymous
Oh I think she could manage it, for a short while at least - didn't you see Sonic Rainboom? Dash is carrying all three Wonderbolts AND Rarity at the same time!
Bubbly! Noooooooo...
You called Bubbly Ooze 'Bubbly Grime' again
Meh the writing is pretty weak, imagery is fair at best, and the vernacular is really small... Plot doesn't seem to make sense at times. Still interesting to read though...
Some very interesting ideas towards the end though. Zombies, Aliens, and a three way war Oh my! XD
@TheHarbingerN
Actually if I'm calling bubbly grime "bubbly ooze" it's wrong...either way if I've screwed the name up I need a slap on the hooves...
Could the author include a bio on all the nega-ponies?
Also, it was a strange coincidence that I thought Rarity's minus would be called Vanity before reading this!
@Anonymous
I actually have a cheat-sheet I use with ideas, short bio's and other pieces of information to try to keep myself consistent...I could clean it up and make it available...
Wow! This is absolutely bloody fantastic! I'm on the edge of my seat and I can't wait for more.
(BTW: I love the use of the mysterious four stars.)
What?!? You killed off Bubbly Grime?!?
Oh, I am so frustrated I could just scream!
*gasp*
-aaaaaaaaah-
This story is awesome. It moves like lightning, striking you with awesome after awesome. I love it to bits.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
I was going to do this. I even had the name "Elements of Discord" picked out.
Then I checked Equestria Daily, and realized it had already been done.
*reads the first two chapters* Ah, but it's different enough I might be able to pull something off.
Well, awesome story regardless. I don't read much fanfiction, but this one is highly interesting and well written.
This may be the best fanfiction I've ever read. Sure as hell is the most entertaining.
I need moar!!! Erm, if that's okay with you I mean...
*faints from overexcitement, wakes up a few weeks later*
That was an amazing chapter...but why did there have to be such a cliffhangar!?
I'm loving this so far. Also, I wanted to use this title as well, but I think I will use a different one; this story is just worthy of bearing it's tile ^^
I'm glad there's ponies still with me reading this - I'm trying to keep it interesting and have real development every chapter. The result is it's slower posting, but I hope more fun.
there's another "elements of discord" being written on fanfiction.net as well - http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6855840/1/My_Little_Pony_The_bElements_b_of_bDiscord_b
I'll say check it out, I'm not sure how much of it he's written (and I haven't read it myself because I don't want to be anywhere near it before I've finished my own story).
If you love writing, write. I'm super-stoked when people appreciate what I create, but I try to make myself happy first :)
Bravo. BRavo on Very solid and Perfectly Written Work. I commend you.
holy crap, another excellent fanpic of my fanfic - I am so honoured:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5629553
It's weepy-cry, who *will* be back along with the rest of the surviving nega-mane-cast.
thank you Sip! (found this on ponibooru, and through a meagre amount of sleuthing found the source)
An good verses evil between parallels.I half expected Pinkie to put curly mustaches on their evil doubles.
and To Quote Dr.Wily from the Megas song "Look at what you've done"(I feel this tells how Celeste the Sun Tyrant is feeling) -The battle is ending,True war is just beginning!-
The Elements of Discord are in her court now and if she gets them all she can probably and will likely warp what remains of her army into powerful monsters, and that's ignoring the other beings that exist in her world.
*Read all eight chapters in a row* Whelp. Time to go delete everything I've ever written. Because it will never compare to what I just read. Good show, damn good show. Words cannot justify how bad I want to read more of this story.
@Anonymous
I hope you're kidding! (but I'm glad you like it, chapter 9 is also going to be a doozy)
@Midnight
I cannot wait
This continues to amaze me! The quality of this piece is very consistent, something that I don't see very often.
Keep writing brony, cause I can't wait for more.
My only complaint is that I really want to see more of the Mane cast, especially Applejack and Rainbow.
Other than that, I've really enjoyed your writing.
Excellent as always Midnight. I still really love your writing style :D
Looking forward to chapter 9!
I've just started marathoning this story, and finally got to the (current) end. Gotta say, you've got great talent. The premise and execution is very enjoyable so far.
Also, I think I caught a reference to one of my favorite shipping fics, which immediately made me go back and read that. That combination made my day somehow. I have to admit, the idea of Rainbow Dash and Gilda being nobility is actually really cool. Will you be exploring this later on, or was this just a throw away thing that I've decided to obsess on?
I love that you cover so many of the characters from mlp, as well as those of your own, but I really wish you'd include the main characters a bit more. I don't know, I just feel like they've slowly become side characters in and of themselves :/
That is my only real complaint however, and it's simply a matter of personal opinion. So please don't take anything I say the wrong way, I REALLY love this story.
@Anonymous
Yeah, I needed to show Ponyville through a wide-angle lense for a while there, but in chapter 9 (I meant in chapter 8 but it kinda got away from me) we get back to the mane cast, albeit in a brave new world...
This story really impresses me. I spent all night reading it. I tried to sleep when it got late, but I was just too excited about this story.
I do wonder what happened to Fluttershy. Poor thing must be terrified.
how many chapters will there be because i only read finished fanfic
Oh man, I've been waiting for this one with bated breath! :D
*reads chapter nine*
CLIFFHANGER! I HATE YOU T_T
Weepy-Cry is such a cute animal.
@Anonymous
at this rate, 12 - but I could surprise myself.
This kept me up three and a half hours longer than necessary.
Well done on writing a compelling story!
I love this story and im looking forward to the next part!
Would assume the elements of discord would be Deceit, Cruelty, Despair, Greed, Betrayal and Sorcery.
@Anonymous
Just about right - sourcery died though...well all we know is that 'Daybreak Glitter' "paid the price".
@Midnight I wonder, since Daybreak is the opposite of Twilight as far as I'm aware, could she be with Celeste's sister? Could she, unlike Twilight who trusts Celestia to no end, trust the Lunaria (sp?)? As Twi is 'evil' right now, perhaps Day is good?
I was reading chapter 6 when, just as crash and Dash take off,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=195XntreoMc
starts playing.
awesome, up to eleven!
yay for Weepy-Cry getting a new family and being named Willow I like that name if I ever have a daughter I would name her Willow. Cant wait to read chapter 10, 9 was such a cliff hanger.
This is a great story; I can't wait for the next part!
Weepy (cry) -> Willow
I like what you did there!
Also, the evil CMC freaked me out. I repeat, FREAKED ME OUT!
nuuuuuu I want chapter 10 now D:
Damn, I just got the idea for a mirror universe story myself, except it was going to be more like Transformers Shattered Glass where literally everything is the opposite.
I'll probably get to this fic at some point. It seems like an interesting read.
since it's missing from the description, the author of the side-story can be found here:
http://relativeequinox.deviantart.com/
edited with permission for your enjoyment!
Awww, poor Twist. It also sucks to know that Twilight Sparkle is aware of everything her body is doing. Anyways, that was an epic chapter, and I can't wait to see how everything plays out!
I'm hooked on this fic. It's really intense.
Now you have my full attention, author.
Awaiting for more chapters.
This is a really good story. Although I think it needs a grimdark tag on the main story. It's *very* dark, especially in later chapters.
*spoilers* I was very confused with chapter 10- I think you should make it a little more clear what lunaria was planning to do; when derpy made her speech I thought she was referring to bearing the element of kindness so she seemed like she was contradicting herself. I Re read that section over and over but it only made any sense in hindsight *End spoilers*
Also, evil Twilight is really sickening, just completely debased but cunning and beautiful at the same time.
I'd say nuke her, everything nearby and be damned with the consequences, but I fear that probably would just make her stronger...
First fanfic I bothered to read, and still my favorite. Keep it up!
I'm sorry, up till 9, i was hooked. But here at chapter 10, you lost me.
The story seems to jump around way to fast, nothing was expanded on. It was this happend, then this, then this, oh look at that, oh that happend.
Flesh it out, make it as epic as 1-9 and It'll be right as rain, but till then, you have lost me.
Geez why isn't this labeled grimdark?! So far we have hellish undead hordes, graphic descriptions of gutted half-dead ponies with their entrails splayed out on the ground, griffons killing and eating ponies(not neccessarilly in THAT ORDER), blatant sex references, the confirmed deaths of thousands, self-mutilation, and one instance of an important side character being vaporised and her shadow being burned into the side of Luna's old castle.
If all that crap doesn't warrant Grimdark, I don't know what does.
Damn, Twister got a pretty good deal from someone like TD!
@Anonymous
point taken and admonishment noted. I'll have a bigger, better, badder episode for you next time and hope you return for more.
and as for the comment below yours...yeah, maybe grimdark is needed. A lot of this essentially happens off screen which in my mind is the difference between the US rating of 15 and NC-17, so I've been striving to keep it below the grimdark threshold.
...wait, blatant sex references? I must have tossed a few in and forgotten about them :D
I'm a tad speechless. I'll just leave it at the word epic. Possibly capitalized? EPIC. Much better.
@Anonymous
Just another normal day in Equestria.
I think this story dates from when there was no ''Grimdark'' tag...
This story -REQUIRE- a Grimdark Tag.
Bwahaha.....
try listening to a few of the more threatening Mulan OST soundtracks while reading this....
they fit surprisingly well :D
Meh, I hate to be that guy, but there are just a couple things that just kinda bug me in this.
The plot (especially the 6-month gap) seems kind of weak. Secondly, the dialogue just doesn't seem to really work with the characters too well. I just feel as if I'm hearing Luna/every other pony as Aragorn from LOTR. Maybe I'm just nitpicking, but these are just killing my ability to enjoy this. Am I the only one?
I will say there were a couple of really good ideas and well executed points in the story as well. Pinkie Pie is still really enjoyable (caffeine crazed superpony), and I thought what was done with making Gilda and Rainbow Dash into nobility was a nice touch. Not so sure how I feel about this Lunarian Republic thing though. I know "For the New Lunar Republic" was a great song, but incorporating it into the story when the ruler is a monarch just seems to make it a "Fan Wank" moment.
@Anonymous
I haven't actually heard that song!
If it makes you feel any better, this section is really top-heavy with dialogue and it was personally hard to write.
Lunaria (I actually hate that name, should have gone with Selene, and I might update all episodes to that) is your customary "good" dictator and would rule how Celestia does Equestria.
Sorry if the six-month displacement doesn't work for you, it's what happened.
I started reading this before I went to sleep, the darker tone matched with Pinkie Pie's constant positive attitude sold it for me, and then I went to sleep 3 hours later. :P
Great work, I happily look forward to more!
Any plans to continue this? I do like the more current series your writing though...
@Midnight
Anonymous said...
"Any plans to continue this?"
This! I'm loving this story and am going crazy waiting for the ending! :)
@lambpasty
I am indeed continuing this - I hit a wall in writing, took up some extra chores around the website in reviewing, became a pre-reader...but now I'm plowing ahead with it.
The final chapter(s) are in motion and all will be revealed.
This is sort of like season 2...
Screw you, Derpy's Element looks like a bubble, not a muffin! They look like their bearer's cutie marks, and Derpy has bubbles as a cutie mark, so it's a bubble. You cannot stop me from imagining it as a bubble! No matter how often you write it's a muffin!
I'll be back later with less... irrelevant criticism, when I finish reading this story.
It looks pretty good so far, but I've read some fanfics that I didn't even finish because they took a very, very wrong turn near the ending and they looked good too before they went down the toilet.
With the events of season 2 . . . I wonder how an entity named Harmony sealed in the opposite world is doing.
goddamnit, FINISH THE STORY!!!!!! you're KILLING ME HERE!!!!!
actually, do we have a date we can expect the rest of the story?
I usually wait until a story is finished before I throw in my two cents, but I think that I may break that trend for this instance.
I'll be blunt: I have a hard time seeing this story as a 5-star story. I could see it as a decent 4 though. I really don't want to come off as incredibly rude, but its 5-star rating is just throwing me off. It incorporated a lot of elements that everyone would like, and I feel as if that got it some bonus points with the crowd. Elements of Discord? Wanted to see that for done well for a while. Evil Twilight? Fantastic idea. Evil mirror ponies? A dream come true. EVIL DERPY?!? HELL YES! Basically, in terms of ideas, this really is a 5 star fic. It just suffers in other areas.
The characters are an area where it loses some ground. Basically, the dialogue is a deal-breaker for me. If the story has really impressive dialogue that suits the characters' individual voices, a lot of other things can be forgiven. In here though, the dialogue just slightly bugs me. One of the anonymous comments above stated it best. It really sounds as if every character (especially Luna) is just a derivative of Aragorn from LOTR. All of them speak in this overly regal tone that seems REALLY out of place coming from MLP characters.
Minor complaint: character names. Some of them came out really well, but the ones that didn't just did so in a very grandiose fashion. I'm sorry, I like the idea of evil Twilight, but I derped really hard when I saw Twilight Doom. A similar reaction was had to Slice n Dice. On a positive note, I applaud the changing of mirror Luna from Lunaria to Selena. That was causing a similar derp moment several months ago.
Plot: decent. It definitely has its moments. Most of the focus seems to be on the cataclysmic death whirlwind that is the fight between the 3 armies. I suppose that's to be expected in a story like this. I don't mean to sound like every other person who complained about this above, but I think that focus in itself is the best criterion for the grimdark tag. Some other items in it though seem to be just a bit off. I can see why there is a 6 month gap (to let the armies regroup for a second battle), but it seems like a really long time for even that. I mean, how does Fluttershy handle all that time in the negative world? Oh yeah, and Bright Eyes (call her what you want, she'll always be Derpy to me) becoming the element of kindness...seems like just reaching to find another character to use that everyone would like.
I hope the criticisms here aren't too rude. I usually don't let negativity be the main part of my reviews, but it just happened like that today. Maybe I'm just irritable from exhaustion. I'll finish this off by saying the story isn't purely bad. It just strikes me as a bit rough at points. I read it months ago, and I just re-read it again now, and my thoughts have not greatly changed. It's a story of many good ideas with execution that just doesn't quite measure up to the quality of the ideas presented. Personally, I'd give this story somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 stars out of 5. On a parting note, I will be following this story to its completion. If there is something awesome in the next few chapters, I will give it the praise it deserves.
@TwinkiePinkie
Thanks for your honest comments - and I can see where you're coming from in a lot of places. I'm not sure about the dialog part, but I do admit that handling multiple characters is really difficult (for me at least). On the other hoof, if I'm being compared to LOTR then, uh, thanks I guess. I know you probably didn't mean it as a compliment, but I'll take what I can. I'll admit it though, I suck at names.
I'll pay attention to the pointers you gave, it seems more than fair, the biggest problem I have is that you can either BE a pre-reader or HAVE pre-readers. Trying for both seems to be problematic.
One other thing I'll say is that the ratings are there for a reason - if you think it's a 3-star fic, then rate it 3-star. If 4 or 5, hit that. I'd hope for at least 4 stars. 3 would mean I should delete it and never speak of it again.
@TwinkiePinkie
I've gone back over my story, and I don't believe you were in an adequate mood (as you yourself stated) to grade this fic appropriately if you think it 3 stars. The fact it's been 5 stars on it's own merit since it's inception speaks for itself, I believe. Could it be better? Sure, but 3 stars? I don't think it's hubris to say no. Maybe it just doesn't resonate with you, and to be honest that's fine, but I think you WERE overly harsh - not rude, but overly harsh.
For instance, the two princesses and the royalty from the griffons (not to mention the evil queen and alternate Luna) ARE royalty. If you tell me they speak formally like Aragorn well... they're supposed to. Applejack, for example, doesn't. If you tell me she does (except perhaps when speaking formally on purpose) then I do not believe you're reading the same story I wrote.
Derpy as the element of kindness? Well why not - she's often written as the mailmare that is the best mom ever for Dinky. That certainly sounds like she'd qualify. I could of course have used an OC, but really, an OC being placed as the surrogate bearer of Kindness? Tell me, who would you use? Objection, as they say, overruled.
Is my story rough in points? Sure. It's the second fan-fiction story I began writing, just about, and the first ever "major" one. Is it anywhere NEAR being "bad"? ...No, I'll have to disagree.
The other points you had are similarly debatable and whilst I will work on improving my craft, I do not wholly agree with you.
If you're ready to continue reading it, then I think even you'll have to admit it's better than merely "meh".
I think with chapter 12 you'll agree. I will do my best, but I know I cannot please everypony.
@Midnight Shadow
The star scale that I use roughly follows these lines
5 Star- Magnificent. Nearly perfect. No major complaints
4 Star- Really good. Would recommend to any friend looking for a good story. Perhaps a few minor weaknesses
3 Star- An okay story, but a few major chinks in the armor just detract from the story
2 Star- Seriously wondering if time has been wasted in reading. Poorly executed in a few major areas.
1 Star- Leaves one desiring to reach through the screen and punch offending author in the face
Take that for what it's worth. I'm not saying "you're bad and you should feel bad". Just saying it had a couple of elements to it that detracted from the quality.
Oh, and even if it were a 1 star fic, I'd continue reading it. There have been a few stories that have been agonizing to get through that I've read, but thankfully none yet have been on EqD.
On the Derpy thing: It's not that there was someone better suited for the position, it's just that in all honesty, I don't think there's enough data to write her in as the element of kindness. In this story, you have her rescue the Apple siblings and converse with her opposite before putting her into that spot. It just doesn't seem like enough is given to put her as kindness. You know what I mean? And you can't really rely on the other fanfics to fill in that gap. I know that Derpy is the second-most beloved background pony in existence (second only to Luna), but I just don't think images from other stories work to make her into THAT pony. Heck, I've seen Luna as an insane pony, a plotting usurper, a prankster, you name it. If I were to apply THOSE images of her, I'd be whining about HER character instead. You have to flesh out a background pony's character before making them a central point in a story.
On the "Aragorn" comment. I loved LOTR, read the books through twice, can quote the movie from memory. Not the point. I just meant it felt out of place. In FiM, if you listen to Celestia's voice or Luna/NMM's lines, you'll just see it's not so much the vocabulary that is regal. It's more about the fact that they are speaking from a position of power. I wouldn't mind if they adopted different tones and a new vocabulary when speaking to new parties (griffons, mirror ponies, etc), but when they speak with the other ponies or each other, it just seems odd. When Luna was zapped back to her senses in the show, her lines were not "Dear sister, I apologize. Your presence was sorely missed." I remember it as a little less formal than that. (Didn't mean for that to be quite as condescending as it sounded. Apologies for the tone, but the point was made)
On a positive note, I'll say that the story does seem to be getting stronger as it progresses. No real herp derp moments in the last chapter. Plot seems to be getting slightly interesting again too. We'll see how it goes from here.
hehe, after "Luna Eclipsed", I think the "they speak too formally" complaint is well and truly moot :D
Luck would have it be that way I suppose. Who would have guessed the FiM team would have gone with the Progress interpretation? Oh well. It doesn't nullify the fact that the critique was relevant at the time it was given.
Yargh
Well come on. Where's the next chapter?
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