Author: Achesst
Description: Twilight is given a mysterious wooden box on a trip to Fillydelphia. What lies inside leads to many questions, and some strange happenings in her tree-house.The Box
The Box Part 2 (New!)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Story: The Box (Update Part 2!)
Author: Achesst
The Box Part 2 (New!)
42 comments:
I read all of it...
And well, i personally feel it has a more...grimdark take near the end.
Should it be labled as such?...i really gotta lie down now.
Ohgod...
Did it...
I...
Was..
Uh...
WHY IS THIS NOT LABELLED AS GRIMDARK
Let's see Twilight gets knocked out, then she mysteriously has the doll to place it in the chest...
Yeah the doll stole her body. Grimdark!
This is VERY MUCH Grimdark.
And i know this was some April Foals joke. But Celestia damnit pranks are meant to make you feel GOOD, not...
Not want to cry. And i did. I cried. Hope you're happy.
I sorta liked the twist at the very end, but it didn't creep me out much. Also, i found the overall end (the explanation, at least) to be really ham-fisted.
ah well, can't win em all.
Ambiguous ending is VERY ambiguous but I loved it anyway! This is true horror with a very Lovecraftian feel to it (Necroponycon? Priceless!).
However, I disagree with the people who want to add a "grimdark" label to the story because it is only grimdark if you want it to be.
And, lastly, because of this story, I want to write a pony version of the Monkey's Paw now.
@Malacoda
Why not use a Genie Malacoda? It's practically the same thing.
We need an "ambiguously grimdark" tag, I think.
This is the song that this story is based on: Creepy Doll
I don't see how this is grimdark.
I can't...I can't finish reading it. I mae it to the point where Twilight finds Rarity at her door, and then I ha the horrible thought of it ending with the doll switching bodies with her and killing her. PLEEAASE someone tell me that doesn't happen!
I'm serious, bronies, I have like, a body-stealing phobia! *whimpers in the corner*
yup twi is now possessed by an ancient evil that has plagued out fair world for thousands of years.
@ anon^
Or is she? Think about that for a sec.
I knew it! *cries* And her mind is trapped inside the doll, and the evil masquerading as Twilight destroys the doll "like she'd been told"! D:>
Or...that second anon confuses me.
OH my god I didn't even realize that ending until I read the comments.
Holy fuck this is grimdark. I thought I was just misreading, anda fter 2 rereads I still had no idea. Oh shit.
Follow up story please. I kinda wanna see where this goes. If the doll did switch with Twilight I would like to see what it wants. Not to mention to see if twilight is Actually dead. I could see here preserving herself by taking form of smoke or a fog before she can get her Body back.
You're traveling through another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind.
A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead-next stop, the Twilight Sparkle Zone!
Okay, okay, now that I've recovered...somewhat...from the mind-numbing terror I felt before I had to stop reading, I think I can give a slight critique, instead of simply whimpering in fear.
The story was p-pretty good. No grammatical mistakes stick out in my mind, and the general mood was effectively creepy. Especially the first time Twilight sees the doll in the rocking chair. The part about the shopkeeper being dead is really cliche, but that can't be helped, it's an effective technique.
But oh jeeze... *whimpers* I am so going to mentally write a sequel where Twilight comes back as a ghost and possesses her own body...
AAAAAAAAH GOD NO
evil creepy porcelain dolls are one of my biggest phobias!
Apart from that, great fic!
First part is really good but the rest only "B".
Still brohoof for #12 reference.
Also Celestia Killed entire 7 000 000 000 intelligent beings, take their land. Then Prisoned her sister FOREVER. Then get absolute power over nature and sun itself. Finally she sent ponies she doesn't like to the Eeverfree forest (that was mentioned in Sonic Rainboom) to be eaten alive by manticoras and parasprites. Good one Celestia! And after that you are complaining how bad people were and how good you are. The same shit with a strengths of 1000 suns.
Some replies,
First: Wow. I wanted the ending that way in hopes everyone would think, "Sure, it leans toward horrible death but there's no way Twilight would let that happen. I'm sure she's fine." But it seems there's almost total agreement that she's dead. Because of this, I will write a sequel, but it'll take a couple weeks.
Second: Yes, some of it is very cliched. I'm sorry about that. My only excuse is that this is my first time writing anything trying to be scary. A bad excuse, I know, but that's all I got.
Third: I agree that Celestia's explanation is pretty poor. She may not be fully correct on the doll's origin. This will be addressed.
Finally: I love references! Glad you guys caught the ones to #12 and other things. I want you to know I appreciate all comments, good and bad, and I'm sorry it wasn't labeled grimdark right away. I figured it really only was if you interpreted it that way, and I guess everyone did.
Creepy as FUCK
I had a case of Fridge Horror with the ending. First time reading it I thought Twilight overpowered the doll and locked in the box. Second time I read it... old "evil doll" stories came to mind around the part doll attacks her.
Awesome story, truly! I'm not normally a big fan of grimdarks, but this one was remarkably well-done. Everyone was characterized very well, and the ending left an impact on me; I wanted to believe Twilight fought the doll and confined it back to the box, but I knew that things took a turn for the worse, which is exactly the kind of impact I hope for in a scary story. Well done.
An amusing thought just occurred to me...maybe the doll with Twi's soul could be referred to as 'Talky Twilight'...
Xanderfox (No account yet)
I don't think it ought to end here. Maybe because I don't like the idea of Twilight dead? Maybe because good terror needs a sequel? Maybe I feel "Dolly" deserves a taste what she got? or that Twilight's friends would suspect something? Certainly scary, most assuredly grimdark. Still think a pink somepony should find a My Little Pony Twilight Sparkle Toy in the library ruins a stalk and certain body snatcher...
[spoiler alert.]O_O how did the doll take over her body?
Oh god, I was not expecting a sequel.
Welp, time to dive in and hopefully get some closure. That first chapter was creepy as fuck.
UMM SHIT??!!
second chapter leads to third and possibly fourth
(danmed cliff hangers)
No, that chapter ended it; doll is properly sealed and the thing about Luna's room is just a creepy way to end a story. It isn't a cliffhanger; it's very over now.
But that was interesting. Aside from confusing formatting leaving me unsure of when you changed scene, it was done well. Still was odd, and continued that same mood from the first one.
I like.
Hmm, I liked this story quite a bit... but that DBZ-esque scene towards the end of the second one was... well, I don't know. Perhaps a little out of place. Apart from that, it was a great read, and an interesting premise... the idea of 'humans before the time of ponies' or 'humans being mystical creatures' is one that I was actually considering for a story. So yeah... overall, decent job :)
Well I am glad you wrote a second chapter, I don't like the idea of Twilight being killed, she's my favorite pony, and well the FIM Universe does feel like one where things have tendency to work out for the best in end. But of course being Grimdark the evil spirit isn't dead, just defeated.
@NinesTempest
Sorry about that. I completely forgot that the stars across the page don't copy/paste over from word. I fixed the formatting a bit now.
Oh god Planet of the Apes ending.
And the DBZ-ness of the second chapter is something that I noted to, but I actually think it plays pretty well.
Friendship is worthless? Friendship is Magic, bitch.
*fist pumps*
Also got a good laugh out of the burial site when I figured out where it was going to be.
Yo bronies any Cupcakes publicity hoarding material in this that could make it the next feared meme?
*halfway through the first chapter*
Holy shit, is this a JoCo's 'Creepy Doll' fanfic?
*looks for evidence of a ruined eye*
this is a story that really didn't need a sequel, and a happy ending even less so.
3 words :
I
LOVE
THIS
Though the part 2 was... IDK, a bit too happy for me
But if wasn't there, I don't think my mind would settle down until there was a continue
Overall, I enjoyed the whole way through~
ummm.. so where did they put it? I feel like I'm missing something
@Anon: Probably the moon.
I knew this has to be based on Jonathan Coulton. I just knew it.
Why are there so many JoCo fans in here? Not that I'm complaining.
♫ As the smoke fills up the tiny room, there's nothing you can do. ♫
♫ Far too late you see the one inside the box was you. ♫
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