Description: Dash finds her sanity slipping away as horrific nightmares slowly chip away at her psyche.
Isn't Death of a Mail Pony grimdark?
A little darker than I'd like, but it is grimdark, none the less. I'd say you did a good job, nonetheless!
Not to my tastes, but well done regardless.
I think I'm scared now....And I thought /x/ was scary.
>4 ratings and standing firm at 4 starsWell shoot. Looks like I'm writing part two then.Yes, it's not everyone's cup of tea. But I'm stretching my writing legs so to speak, and sort of filling in a niche that doesn't have a lot of content to it. Mainly to prove that something like this can be done and can be done well. And it's not going to be restricted to just grimdark fiction. Let's just say that you'll probably have to go visit the OTHER blog Sethisto set up in order to read what my next project is going to be about.
@ScherzoWait, there's another blog?
I think the danger inherent in a story with a protagonist losing his or her sanity is that it's difficult for anybody to follow along in their heads, which is an essential part in getting your grimity darkitude to hit with maximum impact. I know that its difficult to make people relate to a psychopath or understand a murder, but that's pretty much what you've got to do. And the elements are sort of there, but maybe a little rushed? I was left flat by the climax, because the snap just sort of... happens. Rainbow's responses point to some vividly specific dreams, but I don't know what those are and I haven't been able to watch them eat away at her, and the end result is I kind of have to shove myself back into the scene to take things away from it. If you've got it to do over, give us a little more time in the darker corners of Rainbow's world. Show us what she sees and hears and all that junk, and try more than anything to convey that moment of panic that made her use the knife in the first place. Manage that and the whole thing becomes much more visceral and real, you know? Solid effort. Keep stretching those legs.
@PhoeThere's a fic done by Sergeant Sprinkle called "Cupcakes", which is the premise for the nightmares. Lemme see if I can't dig it up in one of the archives.Here we go:http://arch.413chan.net/cupcake1-(n1296106697309).jpghttp://arch.413chan.net/cupcake2-(n1296106764940).jpghttp://arch.413chan.net/cupcake3-(n1296106810018).jpghttp://arch.413chan.net/cupcake4-(n1296106868268).jpghttp://arch.413chan.net/cupcake5-(n1296106961306).jpghttp://arch.413chan.net/cupcake6-(n1296107065709).jpgI think though, I'll go over it again and make some edits so the Cupcake fic isn't basically required reading to understand the whole aspect behind the night terrors. Thanks for the constructive criticism, Phoe :)@bubsAKAverminhttp://equestria-after-dark.blogspot.com
what drives people to write such a thing?I can look at the filthiest of gore pics and not feel a thing, but reading that just hurt me ;_;
@ScherzoYou know... I read a few tiny bits of 'Cupcakes' a while back and was pretty freaked out by it. I just skim read most of it now...I found it more funny than creepy, the whole thing is just so ridiculous... I guess by only reading a little bit initially I was letting my imagination fill in the blanks and making it seem much worse that it actually is.Nice to know that my imagination can conjure worse than cupcakes :)
Having read the "Cupcakes" story myself several times, I found this very interesting, and, dare I say, good reading.I actually think this kind of psycho story fits the FiM universe quite well, don't get me wrong, I too find that quite absurd, but it just appeals to me when you go against all the cuddliness and cuteness of the show and turn it all the way around.I want to see more like this, or, at least I wanto read a story where Fluttershy goes bananas. I don't know why, I just like to believe that she has something else behind those shy eyes of hers than we get to see.
Quite a sad story that nearly brought me to tears, but very well written.
New revision based on Phoe's observations. Might want to give it a re-read.
@AnonymousI don't know about good reading. It appealed to me on pretty much the same level as the B-grade movies that appear on MST3K. Then again, I'm not really a fan of the horror genre so I don't really know what to expect.
@bubsAKAvermin...what is what? o_o
Man, why does everyone always kill Pinkie Pie?
Revised edition reads with a lot more "pop" than the original. Double gold stars with extra glitter for the added "No Fear" reference, among many other things. Details! Details show the scene, details make me scream, details, details, details make my heart sing. Way to go. And props to you for being willing to revise in the first place!
i troughoutly enjoyed reading this. good job.
This story is fine, but I think need to re edit Cupcakes.
@Sergeant Sprinkles: World's Greatest Party ClownDoooo eeeeeeet.
I liked it. A thoroughly entertaining read.
What a jolly good read. And I just finished Dead Space 2.Any hope you write a sequel, mate?
Should I tell my psychiatrist that I enjoy reading stuff like this? Also, good edits to the story.
If you are having a huge need to eat cupcakes, I should recomment you to.But meh, it's as jolly as Higurashi, so you can live with that.
@AnonymousThank GOD I wasn't the only one getting Higurashi vibes from most of the grimdark stories on here. I don't know if it's because it's so horrible I would expect it to be on the show or my mind feels so violated that it wants to throw the characters involved back in time so that they don't have to live the experience...Whatever it is, it shouldn't worry anyone.
This is my favorite MLP story by far, Dash finally losing it was just perfectly executed.I really, really wished you'd make a sequel. I wanna see what happens next!
did you change the ending?
Great writing work, but I just don't know what compels me to read the grimdark fics here. They're horrifying and disgusting and demented, but I just can't pull myself away. These are going to ruin me one day.
Spoilers:After thinking about the story for a while, I realized that I really want to give it a review, so here goes :)This story is extremely well written. You give us a great insight to Dash's gradual descent into madness. One of the best things about this story is that all of the gore is almost.... tastefully done. Every description, every gory detail actually feels like it serves a purpose. I never felt like you were being gory just for the sake of being gory (like the Cupcakes story). And I gotta say, the ending was one of the creepiest, well written scenes I have ever read. Dash huddled over Pinkie's body, lamenting over how she could do such a thing, until she finally completely snaps and starts singing "Giggle at the Ghostie" to herself, ending with the laugh of someone who has completely lost it....Anyway, I could really see myself genuinely wanting to read this story..... Except for the fact that its about ponies. I cant get get into a horror story about this when the main characters are those cute and cuddly ponies :(I know it's unfair, but I can't seem to bring myself to give a good rating to a horror story about ponies. Sorry :(That being said, you are an amazing writer! If you haven't already, you should seriously consider a career in writing! :DPS: Sorry about the length of this postPPS: I know, I know, I'm late reading this story, so sue me ;P
WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD IS THIS A 5-STAR FIC? IT IS NOT WELL WRITTEN. IT IS NOT EVEN GOOD.
This actually strikes a bit a chord with me just because I enjoy writing the same sort of thing. It's weird, I like reading WaFF type things as much as anyone but my favorite thing to write is descents into madness/psychological torture.
If I remember correctly, wasn't there another fic that lead off from the ending of this one with some of the mane ponies attempting to cover it up and save Dash's reputation?
well done. this isnt a completely fiction idea like cupcakes, btw. one can slip into the dreamworld without enough sleep, believe me, i was almost in rainbow dashes situation. if it wasnt my mom comforting me and calming me down, and somebody else... maybe even cornering me? i mightve snapped too
this can be retconned to cupcakes
I agree with a lot of the points here, but here is my take on it:Extremely well written, extremely. Far better than anything I could ever manage. There was even a point when I was afraid to scroll down in fear of what I would find.Unfortunately, all I found was a gruesome death, which was not what I expected, or hoped for, at all.You were building up to such a climactic end, and I was disappointed. Honestly, the way I think this story should have ended, was not with the death of Pinkie Pie, but with a severe injury that left her hospitalized. From there, this would further escalate Rainbow Dash's descent into madness as her best friends began to fear her. Even Pinkie Pie, who could never hate anyone, and was arguably her best friend, couldn't stand to be around here anymore. With no one to turn to, and nowhere to go, there would be nothing to prevent her from collapsing into insanity.Then, the next thing we read is Rainbow Dash having captured a pony and re-enacting the events in her nightmares as the very creature she once feared.This, in my opinion, would have caused some serious heart-ache (she'd be losing her best friends after all), and ultimately turned out even more sadistic than what you have now.But that's just me.
Thank you for posting my alternative ending. I hope people enjoy it!Don't worry, it's a happy ending.
Honestly this was a great read nad I'm not the biggest grimdark/horror fic fan in the world. A very good touch was the use of night terrors and show how they are simillar but not exactly like nightmares. The "Giggle at the ghostie" just made me wanna hug that poor broken pony, one she puts down the knife :P The alt. ending was touching as well and not just "Rainbow Dash made the object she feared so much and gave them to the pony she feared so much and everything was sugar and rainbows again" Rainbow Dash had to still fight against the demons in her own head which is always a welcome villian, and that she had to keep fighting them until they left her alone. Finally, an excellent touch was the show of permanence for both Pinkie and Dash, there would be no reset button for what happened. In short, good writer awesome fic!
Manly tears for that alternate ending...
;_;Dat alternate ending.
I was listening to 'the promise' from the Final Fantasy 13 soundtrack while reading the alternate ending. I must have cried waterfalls guys...
Thank you so, so, so much for the alternate ending. My only complaint, and it's a small one, is that I think Rainbow Dash should have gotten a chance to explain herself to her friends. You know, tell them about the nightmares and stuff.But other than that, this was very good. ^_^
I laughed the entire time I read Cupcakes, but this, this actually gave me a tiny little chill. Still didn't completely creep me out, but closest anything's gotten in a long time.
Why isn't the alternate ending THE ending?
The alternate ending seemed rather cheap and strange. Stab friend, receive nothing but a slap from Rarity and some dirty looks? Sudden freedom from the mind-breaking dreams that reduced Dash into a sleep deprived lunatic and she STILL hides the story like a kid who took a cookie from the jar? Really ruins the mood.
I didn't like the alternate ending.I just couldn't get over how Pinkie just forgave Dash without questioning why she did what she did. And the other ponies reactions felt fake too.Somehow this all gives me a feeling you just wrote it to have a happy go round sunshine ending with flowers.
I liked it. Much better than the original ending :/
Yea, the alt end did feel kinda cheap. The reactions to RD going bananas were silly.
@Scherzo That's the first time of me reading "Cupcakes". I'm not sure which frightens me more: The actual story or the rather large grin I had while reading it. Overall, it had a sort of Hanable Lector feel to it, and it did give me a great idea for a mince meat pie recipe...
Greetings all, I have made some revisions to the story; mostly in the form on admittance on Rainbow Dash's part about why she did what she did, which seemed to be the biggest complaint with it. To those of you who have read but not yet reviewed, I encourage you to go over it again before you do so. Those that already reviewed negatively, well, I'm not child who throws a fit and goes, "How could you be so meeeeeaaaannnn!!!!" I took your advice to heart and tried to improve it to the best of my ability. I hope it is more to your liking now.And to everyone else, thank you for your kind words! They mean a lot to me. <3
I find the ''Alternative ending'', so MUCH better than the other one.Quite a lot...Very.
*claps* Good job on the revisions. :)
the alternate title was nice, but way to unrealistic. if it were up to me, right after rainbow dash leaves the room becuase of visitng hours, twilight should have walked up to her and suggested that ainbow go to some sort of a mental leave with psychiatrist. but then again, this is a world where friendship is literally magic, so i guess some simple apologies can fix anything. but in the other hoof, this is a highly realistic story involving mutilation and a mental breakdown. why is it that these are the dilemas i face when i got on a MLP fansite?
I liked it, I liked the second part too, but I can't help but be a bit underwhelmed by the happiness of the ending. Then again, I grew up on horror and evil twists in my stories. I was waiting for the drugs to kick in from the cupcakes they were all eating (except Pinkie) at the end. Thus sealing the fate, and confirming the fears of RD, just as she was moving past them. Y'know, "Sorry I hurt you Pinkie, I thought you were going to kill me." That's ok Dash, I was going to kill you, but then you went all mental on me..."
I found a new alternate ending called "Rocket to Insanity: Spiral into Darkness" It's decent imo.https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sFIa7-u4cAPzamlYLlEEpOYqIPa_Hqc9dsZgFS56SPQ/edit?hl=en&pli=1#
Apart from Rainbow being a bit out of character in the second part, using words like "Indeed" and "Very well", both are great stories.
It was good in overall, though I liked the alternative ending better, still nice work!
is, very nice work indeed! love it.
Very nice story, the alternate ending for it is especially good.
@DarkJester I don't know, it might just be because of the fan pics I've seen but... Well first, I REALLY liked your alt ending, but I thought Rainbow Dash was covered in blood after killing Pinkie Pie? Wouldn't when she ran out screaming for help, that they wonder why she's covered?
LOVED the original one. I thought the alternate ending was a little too happy, but that's just me. I was kinda expecting/hoping for RD to find the secret room from Cupcakes when she went back to the bakery, for the cupcakes RD made to be drugged, or for Pinkie Pie to get revenge once she was healed...like I said, that's just me. :P
@AnonymousA good point, and I honestly don't know if there would be a lot of spurting from a wound that deep; nor if it would get on Rainbow Dash. For the sake of story simplicity, we can just assume that the blood either missed her or didn't spurt enough to get on her.Thanks for your concerns though!
The Alternate ending made me feel sad. (And a little happy.)
I agree with the anon above me ^^(D4SHTH3R4INB0W)
The alternate ending was too easy. First, she just straight up admits that she did it; I imagine there would be some level of denial. She just about murdered PP and all she gets is a kick from AJ and Rarity? And then PP is like, "it's okay that you tried to kill me because we're best friends". I'm all for happy endings but this was too happy too fast.Though I did laugh at Fluttershy's attempts at violence.
Very very very nice. Favorite story with ponies going pycho... Except for maybe "Sunset", but that probably because "Sunset" is so much longer. Hahaha what can I say I'm waiting for the promised second chapter. :)
@BagOfChipsAcutally, the original version didn't have her admitting it at all - Twilight had to force it out of her. But people didn't seem to like that, thinking it was unrealistic so I changed it to her admitting it willingly.I guess either way someone is going to be unhappy with it. :<
I enjoyed this story even though I felt the pacing was sort of off at certain places in the alternate ending. Still, I liked the alt ending better anyway because it was touching. Definitely made me feel better about the story, anyway: Sometimes I like to sleep at night.
Cupcakes didn't really hit me. It just left me with a feeling of wrong. Then I read "rocket to insanity" which was one of the most compelling reading I've had since Lost Silver - creepypasta. the story left me speechless and was purely amazing. I had to read the alternate ending so I didn't feel like crap and was just as compelled by that. The alternate ending is a must read and is actually really powerful. POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!! The tension between the ponies and Rainbow was perfect. The banishment from the friendship of her friends really came through in the story. The story with the alternate ending is perfect. I would say a must read. I can't get over how great this story made me feel.
@XSAlienSuch a nice, heartwarming review... Thank you very much. <3
Just... Woah!!"Cupcakes" was probably one of the most disgusting, horrible and traumatizing fics I've ever read but this....This is a MARVELOUS horror fic!!It has such emotion, such terror!I can honestly say that I nearly cried for this.I promised myself, I wouldn't cry out of sadness to anything else than my grandfather's death.This nearly made me brake my promise, but I kept it together.It really, from the beginning, got me inside the story.I saw it reeling in front of my eyes every word I read.Marvelous work!!
...continuing from aboveThe alternate ending, just WOW!!!She has some guts!!I's probably do the same thing with calling for help, but I'd also leave a note and commit sucide after making sure she's in the hospital.If I couldn't kill myself for some reason, I'd stay in the bed for weeks and try to not come out untill someone finally comes to get me or I need desperately food before I die in starvation.
I got an alternate ending, how do I request to submit?
I actually cried at the alternate ending! It makes the original story all the more meaningful.
Scherzo, Is it possible that I can post another alternate ending to this? I worked really hard on it :D
@AnonymousE-mail it to Sethisto and he can have it posted for you!
@DarkJesterDon't you need permission first?
Just read both. Not sure I like the new ending. Feels unnatural. Forced. You'd think the girls would take attempted murder a little harder. Except for Twilight, I thought she was dead on for the most part. Also, noone suggests Dash seek professional help?
Fortunately, the Alternate Ending cured me of Cupcakes. I mean, Cupcakes didn't ruin Pinkie for me, but the alt ending did give me some closure. Although, as BlackWidower said, it could have used a more realistic approach, i.e. Rainbow Dash being visited by her friends while she's getting psychiatric help.
Now I just read this.How much worse is cupcakes?
If you love the mane cast, especialy Dashie and Pinkie, this story is surprisingly well written, well-paced, and will strike a cord in your heart. However, if you accept the alternate ending as the "true ending"(like in games were the good ending is cannon, while the bad ending is non-cannon.) like me, then you get some sollace.
http://cheshire-wolfie.deviantart.com/#/d3jdu08Thought this would be a good picture for this.
While I like the idea of turning Cupcakes somewhat on its head, I thought this was rather amateurish in execution. Too telly; I wanted to see Rainbow Dash's slow decline into insanity on her terms, not be told that she was losing her mind.What does it say about me, though, that I had pretty much the same visceral reaction to the thought of avocado icing as I did to the gore porn?
@KiniestCupCakes reads like a B-Movie SAW Horror. You may be so surprised by just how over-the-top it is you'll laugh in places. I know I couldn't stop chuckling as I read it in the beginning. So much absurdity.Both Cup Cakes, and this one as well, are written well enough though. If you can handle it, I recommend them.Alternative Ending for this is Best Ending. Closure after a horrible disaster between friends. A horrible, gut wrenching feeling turning into Warm Fuzzies. I approve. :)
I thought, for the pace I read it, that moonlight sonata 1st and 3rd movements worked very well with this amazingly written fanfic. It didn't strike me as off at all when Rainbow Dash's friends reacted the way they did; if they were so appalled at what she'd done then they wouldn't be eager to replicate it would they? I think that it fit perfectly with Cupcakes and I really think that the author should think of doing a similar styled fanfic for each of the characters.
Rainbow Dash accidentally Pinkie Pie.On a more serious note, holy crap.Part 2 is needed. I want to know what happened after this.
I would like to read what happens next? How are other ponies gonna react to this murder? Is Dash ever going to get healed, or is she going to continue her rampage? What will she do next? Please write more! This was very good! :)
When I read it, the alternate ending felt kind of like an "and then everything was all happy" ending. But when I think about it, I really get the feeling that that's kind of how it would go if Pinkie Pie survived. Someone said that Pinkie Pie's immediate forgiveness seemed cheap, but I think that's exactly what she would do. Pinkie Pie's just that kind of character. As for the others, I could certainly see Twilight as the only one that would bother asking Rainbow why she did it. Sort of like how all the others had knee-jerk reactions to Zecora in Bridle Gossip.I know it seems a bit forced, but unless Pinkie Pie were to actually die, her ability to forgive Rainbow would probably eventually get everyone else to forgive her anyway.
@AleksandrThanks, Aleksandr. :)
Things turned out good way too easily; after one night of sleep, suddenly everything was better. The horrific magnitude of what happened earlier - that, I might add, had me practically sobbing - just disappeared, leaving me with a feeling of "oh, Dash almost killed Pinkie. Oh well, moving on now."
This:http://getanacocunttheysaid.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=24#/d3futznPlus this:http://www.youtuberepeat.com/watch/?v=VYLjh7Txapk&feature=mfu_in_order&list=ULMade it all the sadder... :'CGood job though, but Pinkie Pie is my favorite; and although interesting, it made me tear to see (read) Pinkie Pie dying slowly, and in detail... The alternate was assuring though, and was happier, but for those who love the Grimdark more, the first is the way to go... GJ and nice sad touch. Keep up the good work!
Am I the only one who thought the story seems incomplete? To my eyes, it seems more like a first chapter of something longer.
@AnonymousCause believe it or not, most gory fan fics are comparatively worse
Crazy Dash is best Dash. Simple as that
For some reason, the alternate ending seemed... fake to me.
(Warning: long note ahead)Hi Scherzo and DarkJester, I don't know why this was taken off of the Ponyfictionarchive so I'll tell you this here - if it gets put back there I'll repost this there. I read this there first, and now I'm kind of surprised to learn that the second chapter actually isn't Scherzo's per se.First off, so I don't lead you down a wrong path - it's a very good fic. Rainbow's realization and Pinkie's innocence are both really well depicted. I felt that Pinkie Pie was not random and ditzy, but actually a really poor and shocked victim of a heartless crime - still trying to comprehend the very reason even as she's being torn apart, but too innocent to understand anything. Rainbow's realization was excellent - the guilt and the gravity, and the sheer disbelief that struck her as soon as she snapped back to reality was really well-perceived. It's not just a murder that was "meant" to happen in a way - we know this was all NOT supposed to happen, and with the way it's all played out, it's both deeply troubling and sad, like a scene where a mother unwittingly murders her own child. DarkJester's ending was very good, and very badly needed I should say - a definite respite for Cupcakes which, in my opinion, is something I wish I'd never read. I think what's really important is that it reinforces the magic of friendship - yes, the theme of the show - even in times like these. What I felt wasn't quite right, however, was the approach to recovery. I understand that Twilight, in particular, might've been the first to forgive Rainbow, but right from there I don't think it's right for anyone to immediately just accept these nightmares as the cause on their own. As they forgive Rainbow, they have to understand that their good friend is mentally unstable, really. What I would think is that there should be an active movement to try to bring Rainbow's sanity back - maybe help, with a professional, to help find the source of her deep emotional stress. What is the *reason* for such nightmares to be tormenting her? How can they set her troubled soul to rest? Is there some part of Rainbow's past that might help explain this? With that said, I understand that in order to do this, you might have to go to some odd lengths and there might end up being a good deal more backstory, and that might be more than you'd feel like doing. I've said earlier that your resolution is very good, and certainly one I can walk away from happily.Thanks for taking the time to read this.~Vook
I liked it, but not as scary or gory as Cupcakes (that could both be good and bad, depending on what you wanted with the story, Scherzo).I'd preferred if it had been longer, and if Dash had gone on more of a rampage, instead of just attacking Pinkie, or at least a longer confrontation between Crazy!Dash and Sane!Dash in her head.
Hey thanks Vook for the review! You are absolutely correct! It would make more sense if she got some psychiatric help, but that would require a lot of extra writing that I don't honestly have interest in doing.Small tidbits I'm happy to edit or add, but pages worth of additional plot... not-so-much. :/
during the part after she kills pinkie i have half expecting her to have the reasoning only insanity can bring on something along the lines of: "you didn't do anything wrong dash... she was the monster not you..." wish it was longer though lol
@ScherzoPlease, for the love of God, MAKE A SEQUEL! The original story and ending were SOOOO good! I really want to see what happens next. If anything, I'd love to see another grimdark ponies fic from you. :DIn my honest opinion, I didn't really like the Alternate ending. I just felt it was too "Super Mega Happy." Everyone forgives Dash too quickly and the ending is too "easy."To me, it wasn't heartwarming. It was an excuse to get away from the terror of the Original Ending, which I LOVED and crave more of.*Shrugs* Then again, this might just be me being a fiend with no heart.
Had to draw this...http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/8594/rainbooow.jpg
I actually enjoyed this.Cupcakes was a disappointment IMO, but I heard about this and decided to give it a shot. It was pretty compelling, almost chilling. I liked the ending :3 The alternate ending was not very realistic, they forgave Dash too quickly. and it was kind of an easy way to do it, but it was cute >3>
I actually like it, with the unaltered ending. The alternative ending is just so...predictable.
@KiniestIt's like the first season of higurashi with 30 times more grown
Perhaps the alternate ending is all in the imagination of rainbow after being put into a mental hospital.
This was great! Creeped me out slightly less than the original, but a very fitting tribute.
the alternate ending cured me of cupcakes! i read cupcakes when i was sick and tired and that night i dreamed that the skin of my thigh/flank was cut off just like dash's, i woke up crying before the dream got to the parts about cutting the stomach open and couldnt sleep again that night (the sleepless night did not help my cold). i then read this and was a little scared thinking "fuck thats me in three months" and had the dream again that night (longer and more vivid). i had it again two nights later and finally checked the page to read it and see if i could figure out a way to help myself, then i read the alternate ending and literally cried, i was so happy that things were gonna be okay for dash. now cupcakes dosnt bother me and the dreams are gone (memories of em are starting to fade too). and to those who dont like the alternate ending, screw you! it helped me, cause i fucking lived cupcakes. you've only read it, and theres a difference between reading about skinning people/ponys and actually believing that you are being skinned.thank you so much to the author of the alternate ending, and thanks to the writer of the actual thing too. but more to the alternate end writer.true story
read cupcakes the origional of this, and i didn't like them (in as much as they we're sadening as i love dash and pinkie but it was well writen imo) now i read the alternative ending i am a lot happier as it tied up all loose ends and made it happier and brought a smile to my face, but i found this one close to heart as i have troubles with nightmares
...FUCK. THAT WAS WORSE THAN THE GODDAMN FIRST STORY, because it was actually PLAUSIBLE. I'm gonna stick with the alternate ending.
@DarkJesterI'm sorry, but I really, really think that stabbing someone in the chest with a kitchen knife would result in lots of blood on you. Why not just say that RD got the blood on her while trying to help Pinkie Pie? Anyways. Thanks for writing that; it means I may not have NIGHTMARES tonight.
Alright, in defense of the alt ending:1) "Too happy"? Yeah, no kiddin. At least Jester gave you the Hitchcockian tease at the end. If you prefer the Grimdark, stick with the original ending - or better yet - flip the alt ending and make it so that Dash never tells Twilight, kills herself instead, and is remembered as a monster. Yay! Extra depressing points for Pinkie's anguished screams when she wakes up, asks about Dash, and finds out she hung herself. 2) "Too easy"? IDK what ya'll are talking about here. She was ostracized and beat up. More importantly, her mental health problems didn't vanish after she started talking about them - she needed the continuous love and companionship of her friends to finally overcome them. This in itself is VERY VERY REALISTIC and claiming its insufficient for story purposes is a bit ridiculous imho. How many mental health facilities does Equestria have? How many anti-psychotic medications are produced in Equestria? How many ponies have a psychiatrist couch as their cutie mark? Our world has a infrastructure to deal with minds afflicted by psychosis, theirs doesn't. If it was predictable (and it kinda was), its because that's probably how a real FIM ep would deal with mental illness.3) Whether or not Dash was covered in blood is a moot point. As the original ending noted, Equestria doesn't have homicide cops. This is a peaceful world where a single murder would be as shocking as 9/11. Everypony would assume it was an accident at first.4) Pinkie being worried about Dash is sweet you black-hearted cynical bastard, but Dash's conversation with Pinkie should have been longer and more casual ("cannot express how sorry i am"? lol, did Dash's publicist write that or was it her lawyer). Also "I don't know why I did what I did"? Um, no. You *do* know. You were having chronic vivid nightmares of Pinkie vivisecting you. I was looking forward to Dash actually explaining the terrifying symbolism of those cupcakes to her and was disappointed when it didn't happen.
@DarkJesterDid you ever think that maybe you're using the wrong pony? Rainbow Dash is too stubborn to admit to it openly and Twilight Sparkle is too nice to force her, either way that you take it from this point is putting somepony out of character and making the situation unrealistic. But, what about Applejack? I don't know about you, but I could see Applejack (and, to a lesser extent, Rarity) trying to force her to confess and demanding to know why. Written the right way, that could fit perfectly into the format of her character. Just trying to make suggestions as a fan of literature.
the description of insanity of a person is well descriptive...psychological horror material right there...i guess youd have to read cupcakes first...the alternate ending wasn't that bad...i like this.....9/10
I have to say, that was one of the best fan fics I have ever read. The alt ending made it so much better for me, not that the original ending wasnt good, but the alternate, it just seemed like it belonged more to My Little Pony universe. Though my heart was racing through the alt because of my mind jumping to conclusions thinking that Pinkie may have actually tried to poison Rainbow, and when Rainbow made the cupcakes for Pinkie I thought when she stopped eating, she realized that she was eating the poisoned ones. All in all a fine story, Ill always remember it.
Damn there's been a lot of activity since I last visited here!@juyunseenYou're quite welcome. :) I'm glad you liked it~@7heSamaPerhaps you are right. I've never seen anyone get stabbed (thank god) and it never occured to me when I was writing it at the time that blood might be on her. But is it even that important?@MyCutieMarkisaGUNErf, you have a lot of positive and some negative there. I appreciate your praise, while at the same time I understand your concerns. Again these are issues that never occurred to me at that time and if I were to rewrite the entire thing now I could assure you it would be a lot better.But it's too late for that now. The story has been up for five months now and unless it got a front page repost I don't feel the urge to rewrite it all just for for the occasional new reader that it gets nowadays.I agree with your points however.@AnonymousPerhaps you are right. My desire to make any new, dramatic changes has been depleted however, though I do understand where you are coming from.@Corporal KlausThank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)And a big THANK YOU to all those who drew fanart! You ponies rock!
Beautiful, simply beautiful. The alternate ending was such a tear-jerker I actually started to feel like I was going to start crying at times.
@AnonymousI'm glad I was able to impact you with it in such a way. :)
Aww... The alternate ending was cute :)Personally, I thought Pinkie Pie was going to like say she WAS going to do those things to Dash... *shiver*
If MLP wasn't a children's show, and there was cases of psychological breakdowns and murder in it, and it wasn't this nice ball of warm fluffiness that it is, I bet this fan-fic would make a good base for an episode (excluding the original ending, and instead using the alternate one).I agree that RD finally snapping was kinda underwhelming, and that the progression felt kinda rushed (it could've used a bit more a build-up before the climax. RD assaulting PP happened a bit too fast, imo), but I can't help but feel really moved by the alternate ending. It kinda makes up for the rushed parts in the original story, but not completely. It could use some more detail overall, as I didn't really feel how mentally tormented RD was from her recurring nightmares.Nevertheless, it was still a good read, and the ending was pulling on the heartstrings just right. Overall, 4/5.
Listen to "A Piece Of Mind" by Finch....it's a fitting song for this...
well this tips my hatred of pinkie pie back to normal, after cupcakes, i didnt like pinkie pie as much but this helps. and i feel even worse for rainbow dash now
This was great. Although I would a preferred a more grimdark for the alt ending, this was nonetheless great!
I only read the alternative ending, it was sad at first but very heart warming at the end :,). Ill never read the original story, that and cupcacks
Hmm. Not too bad, not too bad. Sure, to me, it was a whole twist to Cupcakes, but this story, honestly and mentally, was fantastic. It just made my day.
Oh God, the alternate ending was so touching.Through the fanfic, I was like "Omg, poor Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie T3T"; but then I read the Alternate Ending, and it was so beautiful I almost cried :) Good job!
:) the alternate ending was perfect thank you for making it it was awesome
I laughed my ass off when I read Cupcakes, but this didn't elicit the same response at all. This had a great build up to an excellent climax. Though I will sleep soundly tonight, I can say that this was a much better horror story than Cupcakes.
I think the alternate ending was better. I like happier endings. Not saying it's the best for everybody, if you're that "Everypony dies fan-fic" type of brony.
The original story was pretty good, If not quite great, mostly due to the complete lack of surprises, everything plays out exactly how you expect it to after reading Cupcakes.The Alternate ending however is great, really touching, believable and effective, and it resisted the urge to pull a surprise twist and go down the same route as the original, for the entire last one and a half pages I was waiting for a surprise "Dash/Pinkie kills everyone LOL" ending but thankfully it never came.Thoroughly enjoyable work, keep it up chaps.
Ugh, pony grimdark. Ruining MLP for me...But how I love it so.
I can see why maybe their reactions might be violent in the alternate ending, but beating the crap out of Rainbow Dash, instead of finding out why? Some friends...At least Twilight found out WHY and didn't smack her around.Alternate ending is better. Even grimdark needs a warm, fulfilling ending sometime.
I thought in the alternate ending, the cupcakes would be poisoned.
@Andy GaoYou wouldn't be the first to think this...@Everyone elseI'm glad you liked it! Or at least... cared enough to post a response.
Finally got around to reading this: I am very impressed by the original story. You did an extremely good job in trying to depict a psychotic breakdown in so few words. It reminded me very much of the one I had back in 2000 (I didn't go after anybody else though, just hid in my house for two years so I wouldn't do it). They are a lot like this: a long, slow, miserable buildup until, one day, the lights go out and shit happens. Again, excellent work. I had carefully avoided any potential spoilers before reading this, so I had no idea what it was about other than RD snapping, but I started tearing up in recognition midway down the second page at “DON'T...don't...touch me. I'm fine...honest. Just...” And I foresaw damn near every single widening crack after that, because that's how it happens. The end of the first part was spot-on as well. Poor, poor fucking Dashie and Pinkie.As for the alternate, I'm going to have to chime in with the "it felt like a cheat" group (A.K.A. "The Made-for-Sunday-TV ending"). I read it through, but it just never gelled for me.I'm going to deviate back out of the group again, however, to say I though that - apart from Twilight Sparkle - Pinkie Pie was the only one that was completely in character. Even in the show, Pinkie rarely thinks about what she's doing, she just does it. She seems to "think" via her emotions and intuition and just knows (she can hear the beat and see the flow, for those of you that have seen the movie "Ink"). The only real thinking and plotting she really did in the show was after she thought her friends had abandoned her and she couldn't trust the feelings anymore (so it seemed). So she would be utterly confused by Dash's initial behavior, and still trying to grasp what was going on when the cutting started because that's not Dashie - so of course she would forgive her, because to Pinkie, Dashie never did anything.Twilight didn't have enough lines fully judge, but the others were way off to me. As for RD's behavior being OOC - she had just slashed up and then skewered fucking Pinkie Pie! If that doesn't kick the shit out her mental and emotional ability, nothing would - and she was still immersed in the residue of the breakdown at that point anyway. Just take my word for it that the thought processes stay pretty muddy for quite some time, k?
This be interesting now that I can FINALLY read it ive read cupcakes numerous times but this is my first for it... Granted could have had a tad more detail... But nopony is perfect right?
why am i still more scared of cupcakes?
That was a delightful little read. I actually liked this better than Cupcakes. It's a little less detailed, letting you imagine what happened for yourself. While Cupcakes and Sweet Apple Massacre were all about shock value, this wasn't and I like it for that. Well, to an extent it was for SV, but nowhere near as much as CCs and SAM.I don't think I'm going to read the alternative ending. I think of that as a "sequel", and we all know most sequels suck. But the original story was good.
I just read it, and I cried. I loved it. I love reading things that make me cry.
SPOILERS:"What did she do? Was it the icing? Did she use salt instead of sugar? Why?"Had to stop reading for a minute to take a deep breath after this one. Really hit home. Heh... Torture, gore, death. It's all bearable. But innocence - shattered innocence - that breaks me.As for the alternate ending, as much as it is a more comfortable alternative, I found it cheesy. I suppose it could be a little less "and everything goes perfect and everyone's happy".
I made an alternative ending to this alternative ending, check it out at: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AMzMqsUdgJIR_VZp9xwEddIJADmQUSzn_8u0G_0nDIo/edit?hl=nlWARNING, PLOTWISTS HAPPEN.
Seems like every "grimdark" murder fic ends up getting some sunshiney alt ending.
@KanaKana Oh, beleieve me, My alternate ending to the alternate ending will satisfy you, and your dark thoughts, more or less i hope. Just copy and paste the link from my previous post in the adress bar and you'll find out.
The alternate ending almost brought me to tears of happiness. Just think, in the regular show they go through problems that are easily solved with friendship... but this! This involves horrific "cupcakes" dreams and brings dash to almost kill her best friend! But to think, friendship brings them all together in the end.for me, the moral for all the stories linking together... this including "cupcakes", "rocket to insanity", and the alternate ending... that friendship "is" magic! My only response to this fabulous literature is... bravo!
@HaloReplicasI'll admit, I'm not sure if I should be flattered or horrified by this. :S
Oh boy, new Grimdark for me to read >:D
@DarkJesterGo ahead, give it a read.
Well i'll admit i really did enjoy both the fic and the alt ending quite a bit and especially since i'd read cupcakes beforehand so i knew of all the terrible trauma it'd cause RD although i have to think was it wrong of me to expect and/or even want the alt ending to take a surprise turn back into darkness? there were actually quite a few times while reading that i expected it to and was honestly slightly disappointed when it didn't (although mind you that's probably just because i've seen too many alt endings where it's all nice and happy and that's also the cliche of shows like MLP:FiM so it's always nice (to me) to see a dark story)
@HaloReplicas hmm well i'll admit your alt alt ending was very well thought out and it does have a cool tie-in back to the original Cupcakes fic so i must say very nice job!
Hey author, nice story anyways.
@HaloReplicasI did. That was my response after reading it.
Great story! Though, isn't it a rule here that gorefics like this aren't allowed? (I wish we could, I have a grimdark fic, but "no gore" seems to be standard rule)
The original was kinda strange, but I liked it.And for some weird reason, for the whole alternative ending, I was sobbing my eyes out.
Guess I'm in the minority, didn't really like the alternate ending. I mean it's ok for an ending, but the original seemed better. It's like you have a great premise for a Cupcakes sequel, and then the alternate ending is all "OH LOOK DON'T WORRY IT'S ALL OK". Just my two cents. :P
I like the first story better than the second. In fact they should keep it going with rainbow dash killing more or going to a mental hospitial.
I consider the alternative ending, the REAL ending. It start off (the original) grimdark and then ends (The alternative ending) happy. I like that because most grimdark fics are... well... grimdark. It was nice to read one that was different. Really happy, and great ending. :)
Heh.. Thought itll end like: pinky leaves hospital, rainbow visits her at sugar cube corner to see how shes doing, then pinky gives rainbow cupcake, she eats it and fall asleep and then her nightmare begins.. Btw awesome story its nice to see something with happy end.
Even the thought of this after reading cupcakes in the middles of the night still creeps me out, I shouldn't have done that but reading this, also in the middle of the night, is even worse I'm a grown man I still get the willies from this fanfic
huh i read this tomy little brother...hes wasn't even scared...
Reading this story whilst listening to some F.E.A.R music? I did that...it made me afraid, which i'm usually not..it also added to the final demise of Pinkie pie, and went extremely well when the final string, of Rainbow Dash's sanity was finally cut...into two, Rainbow's always hiding her true colors, even if this is a fanfic, she has to endure it, no matter where she is. Absolutely amazing. That alternate ending, was lovely too. All I can imagine these days and almost dream about are the insane 6...I'm reading too many horror fanfics.
I could barely stop myself from crying in the alternate ending.
Both are really good, but the story and the alt ending are too different in the flow for me. The original was a grimdark horror that was separated from the actual world of the ponies. It's an amazing story, but it is off from what would really happen. The alt ending is almost like any other episode of MLP only with that dark undertone that says "Hey, Rainbow stabbed Pinky."
I have to admit, at first I was so against grimdark and gore. but know I don't know why, but it's my favorite kind of fanfic. I'm strange :(